I had a conversation with a woman I recently met. She has a son that has issues but does not have a diagnosis. She has put her life on hold and is desperately working with therapists and doctors in order to fully understand his needs. Of course, this bonded us immediately as I feel that I am doing the same thing with Adeline.
She mentioned in an email that I had said, "I am drowning in my kids." I don't remember saying it but when reading her email, the phrase struck me at my core. I am trying everyday to give my children all that they need. Unfortunately, they need more than most children. I end up orchestrating a juggling act between therapy, appointments, therapy centered play, and just enjoying and loving my girls. Drowning is right! As I continue to strive for a balance, I am beginning to realize that balance isn't the answer. It just seems to be the first thing out of everyone's mouth that recognizes the difficulty of our situation. There is always need for more therapy, medical opinions and evaluations. My girls could use a great deal more from me in the therapy centered play and of course, the one that beats me up most at night is the too few moments of just loving my girls. If I really want to balance this, then all areas are going to be cut back. Clearly, there is need for more of each so really what we all need is more daylight hours, patience and money. Daylight hours so that we can squeeze in more play and therapy in one day. As it is, I can barely fit all of their therapists into a week. I find myself ready to sit down and hold and love my girls at 7:45 at night when they are already late for bed. More patience is like stating the obvious. I can only do something for so long without getting annoyed that my child isn't cooperating, or that another child is trying to pull me away from what I am trying to accomplish with her sibling. Finally, more money. Yes, money. There is a need because alternative therapies aren't covered and the top doctors that see special cases like Adeline are often not considered in-network. We just scheduled Adeline to be seen at the Kennedy Krieger Institute where you pay upfront ($1500 that is) and pray that your insurance kicks in retroactively. So no, there is no balance. There is always a need for more and balance isn't the answer. All, balance does for me is find away to fit a little bit of everything into a day. I still go to bed feeling that everything we do is just inadequate. I just can't come up with a "fix."
Ultimately, I am drowning in my kids.
