"I Just Want My Baby To Be Heathy"

. . . isn't true.  While most of us mother's proclaimed that was our biggest wish while we were walking around with one in the oven - or two for that matter, it wasn't the honest to God truth.  Of course every mother wants her baby to be healthy, that AND a lot more.  Let's face it.  We want our children to be cute - easy on the eyes, sweet and kind, and successful.  During the younger years, success means hitting milestones which most hope will correlate with success in school.  It is fun to have the child that stops people in their tracks just so they can turn around and tell you how beautiful your child is.  Our hearts swell with pride when our children are said to be the kindest and most compassionate kid in the class.  We all love hearing how our children are catching on to skills quickly and how the teacher has little to no concerns about their progress.  Yes, these are things mothers really want to hear.  Not many mothers come out of the doctor's office jumping up and down because their child made it through his or her annual well visit without any concerns.  Its time to face it, we want beautiful, smart, kind and even athletic children.

That's what I wanted too when I was carrying my twins.  I wanted cute, sweet and smart.  Athletic wasn't high on the list but who wouldn't love to have the basketball star?  While I could argue that we got cute (I am their mother!!) and have overwhelming proof that all three of my girls are sweet and compassionate when compared to their peers, we did not get academic superstars.  Did I mention I am referring to the twins?  Miss Savannah is well above grade level in all areas (Ahhh, see that is what is easy for a mother to hear).

Let me be perfectly honest. . . it is hard to see my twins struggle!  It is also hard to bear the burden of their academic success.  I have devoted the last four and a half years of my life to their academic success and continue to hold tight the dream of the twins sitting in the top 50% of their class.  Each day, and I really do mean each day and multiple times a day, I worry about their academics.  How I would love to just BE!  Instead, I comb the internet looking for new ways to reinforce skills that aren't developing naturally or activities that might serve as a leg up when entering Kindergarten.

Just recently, all of this work seemed to be in vain.  Alex and I had decided to send Lila to a private Kindergarten with the intention of her repeating real Kindergarten in public school the following year.  The twins barely make the cut off and it is clear Adeline needs more time.  What child doesn't benefit from time?  We held Savannah and it has proven to be a great choice.  She naturally took off in Kindergarten and hasn't slowed down since.  I would love to say the same will happen for Lila but I know better.  Due to the twins' history, things don't just develop naturally.  The girls have to be pushed and taught every little step along the way.  Private Kindergarten at Savannah's school was going to do just that for Lila.  We were hoping Lila would be exposed to and hopefully grasp many of the Kindergarten skills.  She would then master these skills during her second year of Kindergarten.  Unfortunately, it wasn't that easy.

Lila went in for her Kindergarten visit and interview a few weeks back.  I was sure they would admit her since she knows her letters, numbers, shapes, colors, can count and write her name - let's not forget she is a sibling to a current student too.  Unfortunately, she was turned away.  The admissions director didn't even complete her academic assessment because she felt Lila was too young.  Somehow, my quiet and sweet baby girl came off as unable to successfully complete a Kindergarten readiness assessment.  She was only in the classroom for 20 minutes and, like I said, the standardized test wasn't completely administered (we were told, "We have no concerns about her academics so we didn't need to complete the test") which leaves us with no data other than she will be doing a pre-k program this year instead of entering Kindergarten.

I could go into all the reasons I think they turned her away that have nothing to do with her but the wait-listed Kindergarten and how her academics are on par with many of the pre-k kids that will enter Kindergarten at that school but, the result doesn't change.  Our Lila was rejected and our hearts were broken.  Miss Lila and I have worked tirelessly to help her close the gap.  I was sure doing two years of Kindergarten was going to close the gap for good and push Lila forward. . . into that upper half of the class.

And there it is again.  The truth.  The desire for my kid to be smart, successful and desirable.  And while I am sure this is going to be the first of many heartbreaking rejections for my girls, it still hurts.  Being that it was a school that we are a part of and mostly love is like pouring salt in the wound.    Who doesn't want Miss quiet and sweet Lila in their Kindergarten?  I bet if she was loud, assertive, and all too eager to speak her mind, she would have been welcomed with open arms.  That just isn't the genetic make-up of our girls.

I recognize that I should be jumping up and down because Lila is a vision of health.  She is never sick which is ironic,  given her early start in this world.  I should also be happy that I have a kind and gentle girl who has never once gotten in trouble at school, hit a child or sibling, or used any mean name calling words towards anyone.  But the fact remains. I love what I have but I want more.  I want smart kids.  Not super smart, just academically successful.

I just can't figure out why it matters.  All I know is that it does matter. . . at least to me.